Practical Wisdom: Speaking Up for Yourself
I’m not a person who has trouble speaking—
- On a given subject
- In front of any number of people
- For a good cause
But speaking up for myself is different.
I learned early on that it’s often better to keep quiet and not "poke the bear," as the saying goes. My dad, a Vietnam vet who was severely injured during the war, came home with what we would now recognize as PTSD. He was short-tempered, had hearing loss, and as a result, he was loud. We’ve made progress in understanding and treating post-war injuries, but back then, you didn’t talk about what happened or its impact. You just lived with it.
When my dad was angry, I got quiet. The rule was, “If I say jump, you say, how high?” Arguing was pointless and often ended in explosive outbursts, so I taught myself not to challenge him. Even as a child, I knew something was wrong. I also knew my dad loved us deeply. His anger was confusing, but I adored him. In his best moments – and he had many of those - he was an amazing father. He had "good reasons" for being the way he was.
As I grew up, I learned to seek out the good reasons people do bad things—they’re always there. We are born beautiful, innocent children, and then life happens. Through injuries of the soul and body, we are changed. Some become bitter, angry, and unhappy. Others, like me, become tolerant—or worse—silent, just to avoid the pain of continued attack.
Now, as an adult in my sixth decade, the Universe continues to offer me mirrors, showing how these patterns have evolved. In the name of compassion, I often remain silent when treated poorly. The toll is heavy. I feel sick to my stomach, shed tears, and regress in my emotional navigation skills. But, as always, I get through it.
What about you? How do you deal with bullies in your life? Do you also find yourself swallowing words in an attempt to keep the peace?
For me, the attacker often feels like someone carrying hidden pain, and I don’t want to make things worse for them. I swallow my words, and, in doing so, I sacrifice myself.
But I’m working on new ways to handle these situations. I’m learning when I need to speak up for myself—and, perhaps even more importantly, how to overcome the fear of doing it.
Here are a few helpful hints I’ve discovered along the way:
Breathe before you speak
When you feel attacked, your body can go into a fight-or-flight response. Take a few deep breaths to calm your nervous system before you respond. This allows you to speak from a place of clarity rather than reactive emotion.
Acknowledge your feelings
It’s important to validate your own experience. If something makes you uncomfortable or upset, you have a right to feel that way. Acknowledge it to yourself first, then you can decide if it’s necessary to speak up.
Choose your battles
Not every situation requires a response. Some battles are worth fighting, while others are better left alone. Ask yourself, “Is this worth the emotional energy?” before deciding to speak up.
Set boundaries without aggression
Speaking up doesn’t have to mean being confrontational. You can set boundaries firmly and calmly, stating your needs without anger. For example, “I don’t appreciate being spoken to that way,” is assertive but not aggressive.
Practice self-compassion
Be kind to yourself as you navigate the challenges of speaking up. You’re allowed to make mistakes, and it’s okay to feel afraid. Celebrate small victories along the way.
Remove bullies from your life
Some people really do have a good reason for being the way they are. However, your safety and well-being is always a first priority. There are times that the appropriate action is to end contact.
In my experience, finding your voice, especially when you’ve learned to stay quiet, is a process. Be patient with yourself as you work through it. You are a treasure in the world and there is no “good reason” for another to bully you. It’s reasonable to hold those who choose to be in your life to a higher standard of communication.
